be dearest goodbye
sweetheart he always sang it not like Bartell dArcy sweet tart goodbye of
course he had the gift of the voice so there was no art in it all over you
like a warm showerbath O Maritana wildwood flower we sang splendidly though
it was a bit too high for my register even transposed and he was married at
the time to May Goulding but then hed say or do something to knock the good
out of it hes a widower now I wonder what sort is his son he says hes an
author and going to be a university professor of Italian and Im to take
lessons what is he driving at now showing him my photo its not good of me I
ought to have got it taken in drapery that never looks out of fashion still
I look young in it I wonder he didnt make him a present of it altogether and
me too after all why not I saw him driving down to the Kingsbridge station
with his father and mother I was in mourning thats 11 years ago now yes hed
be 11 though what was the good in going into mourning for what was neither
one thing nor the other of course he insisted hed go into mourning for the
cat I suppose hes a man now by this time he was an innocent boy then and a
darling little fellow in his lord Fauntleroy suit and curly hair like a
prince on the stage when I saw him at Mat Dillons he liked me too I remember
they all do wait by God yes wait yes hold on he was on the cards this
morning when I laid out the deck union with a young stranger neither dark
nor fair you met before I thought it meant him but hes no chicken nor a
stranger either besides my face was turned the other way what was the 7th
card after that the 10 of spaces for a Journey by land then there was a
letter on its way and scandals too the 3 queens and the 8 of diamonds for a
rise in society yes wait it all came out and 2 red 8s for new garments look
at that and didnt I dream something too yes there was something about poetry
in it I hope he hasnt long greasy hair hanging into his eyes or standing up
like a red Indian what do they go about like that for only getting
themselves and their poetry laughed at I always liked poetry when I was a
girl first I thought he was a poet like Byron and not an ounce of it in his
composition I thought he was quite different I wonder is he too young hes
about wait 88 I was married 88 Milly is 15 yesterday 89 what age was he then
at Dillons 5 or 6 about 88 I suppose hes 20 or more Im not too old for him
if hes 23 or 24 I hope hes not that stuck up university student sort no
otherwise he wouldnt go sitting down in the old kitchen with him taking
Eppss cocoa and taking of course he pretended to understand it all probably
he told him he was out of Trinity college hes very young to be a professor I
hope hes not a professor like Goodwin was he was a patent professor of John
Jameson they all write about some woman in their poetry well I suppose he
wont find many like me where softly sighs of love the light guitar where
poetry is in the air the blue sea and the moon shining so beautifully coming
back on the nightboat from Tarifa the lighthouse at Europa point the guitar
that fellow played was so expressive will I never go back there again all
new faces two glancing eyes a lattice hid Ill sing that for him theyre my
eyes if hes anything of a poet two eyes as darkly bright as loves own star
arent those beautiful words as loves young star itll be a change the Lord
knows to have an intelligent person to talk to about yourself not always
listening to him and Billy Prescotts ad and Keyess ad and Tom the Devils ad
then, if anything goes wrong in their business we have to suffer Im sure hes
very distinguished Id like to meet a man like that God not those other ruck
besides hes young those fine young men I could see down in Margate strand
bathing place from the side of the rock standing up in the sun naked like a
God or something and then plunging into the sea with them why arent all men
like that thered be some consolation for a woman like that lovely little
statue he bought I could look at him all-day long curly head and his
shoulders his finger up for you to listen theres real beauty and poetry for
you I often felt I wanted to kiss him all over also his lovely young cock
there so simply I wouldnt mind taking him in my mouth if nobody was looking
as if it was asking you to suck it so clean and white he looked with his
boyish face I would too in 1/2 a minute even if some of it went down what
its only like gruel or the dew theres no danger besides hed be so clean
compared with those pigs of men I suppose never dream of washing it from 1
years end to the other the most of them only thats what gives the women the
moustaches Im sure itll be grand if I can only get in with a handsome young
poet at my age Ill throw them the 1st thing in the morning till I see if the
wishcard comes out or Ill try pairing the lady herself and see if he comes
out Ill read and study all I can find or learn a bit off by heart if I knew
who he likes so he wont think me stupid if he thinks all women are the same
and I can teach him the other part Ill make him feel all over him till he
half faints under me then hell write about me lover and mistress publicly
too with our 2 photographs in all the papers when he becomes famous O but
then what am I going to do about him though
no thats no way for him has he no manners nor no refinement nor no
nothing in his nature slapping us behind like that on my bottom because I
didn't call him Hugh the ignoramus that doesnt know poetry from a cabbage
thats what you get for notkeeping them in their proper place pulling off his
shoes and trousers there on the chair before me so barefaced without even
asking permission and standing out that vulgar way in the half of a shirt
they wear to be admired like a priest or a butcher or those old hypocrites
in the time of Julius Caesar of course hes right enough in his way to pass
the time as a joke sure you might as well be in bed with what with a lion
God Im sure hed have something better to say for himself an old Lion would O
well I suppose its because they were so plump and tempting in my short
petticoat he couldnt resist they excite myself sometimes its well for men
all the amount of pleasure they get off a womans body were so round and
white for them always I wished I was one myself for a change just to try
with that thing they have swelling upon you so hard and at the same time so
soft when you touch it my uncle John has a thing long I heard those
cornerboys saying passing the corner of Marrowbone lane my aunt Mary has a
thing hairy because it was dark and they knew a girl was passing it didnt
make me blush why should it either its only nature and he puts his thing
long into my aunt Marys hairy etcetera and turns out to be you put the
handle in a sweepingbrush men again all over they can pick and choose what
they please a married woman or a fast widow or a girl for their different
tastes like those houses round behind Irish street no but were to be always
chained up theyre not going to be chaining me up no damn fear once I start I
tell you for stupid husbands jealousy why cant we all remain friends over it
instead of quarrelling her husband found it out what they did together well
naturally and if he did can he undo it hes coronado anyway whatever he does
and then he going to the other mad extreme about the wife in Fair Tyrants of
course the man never even casts a 2nd thought on the husband or wife either
its the woman he wants and he gets her what else were we given all those
desires for Id like to know I cant help it if Im young still can I its a
wonder Im not an old shrivelled hag before my time living with him so cold
never embracing me except sometimes when hes asleep the wrong end of me not
knowing I suppose who he has any man thatd kiss a womans bottom Id throw my
hat at him after that hed kiss anything unnatural where we havent 1 atom of
any kind of expression in us all of us the same 2 lumps of lard before ever
I do that to a man pfooh the dirty brutes the mere thought is enough I kiss
the feet of you senorita theres some sense in that didnt he kiss our
halldoor yes he did what a madman nobody understands his cracked ideas but
me still of course a woman wants to be embraced 20 times a day almost to
make her look young no matter by who so long as to be in love or loved by
somebody if the fellow you want isnt there sometimes by the Lord God I was
thinking would I go around by the quays there some dark evening where
nobodyd know me and pick up a sailor off the sea thatd be hot on for it and
not care a pin whose I was only to do it off up in a gate somewhere or one
of those wildlooking gipsies in Rathfarnham had their camp pitched near the
Bloomfield laundry to try and steal our things if they could I only sent
mine there a few times for the name model laundry sending me back over and
over some old ones old stockings that blackguardlooking fellow with the fine
eyes peeling a switch attack me in the dark and ride me up against the wall
without a word or a murderer anybody what they do themselves the fine
gentlemen in their silk hats that K C lives up somewhere this way coming out
of Hardwicke lane the night he gave us the fish supper on account of winning
over the boxing match of course it was for me he gave it I knew him by his
gaiters and the walk and when I turned round a minute after just to see
there was a woman after coming out of it too some filthy prostitute then he
goes home to his wife after that only I suppose the half of those sailors
are rotten again with disease O move over your big carcass out of that for
the love of Mike listen to him the winds that waft my sighs to thee so well
he may sleep and sigh the great Suggester Don Poldo de la Flora if he knew
how he came out on the cards this morning hed have something to sigh for a
dark man in some perplexity between 2 7s too in prison for Lord knows what
he does that I dont know and Im to be slooching around down in the kitchen
to get his lordship his breakfast while hes rolled up like a mummy will I
indeed did you ever see me running Id just like to see myself at it show
them attention and they treat you like dirt I dont care what anybody says
itd be much better for the world to be governed by the women in it you
wouldnt see women going and killing one another and slaughtering when do you
ever see women rolling around drunk like they do or gambling every penny
they have and losing it on horses yes because a woman whatever she does she
knows where to stop sure they wouldn't be in the world at all only for us
they dont know what it is to be a woman and a mother how could they where
would they all of them be if they hadnt all a mother to look after them what
I never had thats why I suppose hes running wild now out at night away from
his books and studies and not living at home on account of the usual rowdy
house I suppose well its a poor case that those that have a fine son like
that theyre not satisfied and I none was he not able to make one it wasnt my
fault we came together when I was watching the two dogs up in her behind in
the middle of the naked street that disheartened me altogether I suppose I
oughtnt to have buried him in that little woolly jacket I knitted crying as
was but give it to some poor child but I knew well Id never have another our
1st death too it was we were never the same since O Im not going to think
myself into the glooms about that any more I wonder why he wouldnt stay the
night I felt all the time it was somebody strange he brought in instead of
roving around the city meeting God knows who nightwalkers and pickpockets
his poor mother wouldnt like that if she was alive ruining himself for life
perhaps still its a lovely hour so silent I used to love coming home after
dances the air of the night they have friends they can talk to weve none
either he wants what he wont get or its some woman ready to stick her knife
in you I hate that in women no wonder they treat us the way they do we are a
dreadful lot of bitches I suppose its all the troubles we have makes us so
snappy Im not like that he could easy have slept in there on the sofa in the
other room suppose he was as shy as a boy he being so young hardly 20 of me
in the next room hed have heard me on the chamber arrah what harm Dedalus I
wonder its like those names in Gibraltar Delapaz Delagracia they had the
devils queer names there father Vial plana of Santa Maria that gave me the
rosary Rosales y OReilly in the Calle las Siete Revueltas and Pisimbo and
Mrs Opisso in Governor street O what a name Id go and drown myself in the
first river if I had a name like her O my and all the bits of streets
Paradise ramp and Bedlam ramp and Rodgers ramp and Crutchetts ramp and the
devils gap steps well small blame to me if I am a harumscarum I know I am a
bit I declare to God I dont feel a day older than then I wonder could I get
my tongue round any of the Spanish como esta usted muy bien gracias y usted
see I haven't forgotten it all I thought I had only for the grammar a noun
is the name of any person place or thing pity I never tried to read that
novel cantankerous Mrs Rubio lent me by Valera with the questions in it all
upside down the two ways I always knew wed go away in the end I can tell him
the Spanish and he tell me the Italian then hell see Im not so ignorant what
a pity he didnt stay Im sure the poor fellow was dead tired and wanted a
good sleep badly I could have brought him in his breakfast in bed with a bit
of toast so long as I didnt do it on the knife for bad luck or if the woman
was going her rounds with the watercress and something nice and tasty there
are a few olives in the kitchen he might like I never could bear the look of
them in Abrines I could do the criada the room looks all right since I
changed it the other way you see something was telling me all the time Id
have to introduce myself not knowing me from Adam very funny wouldnt it Im
his wife or pretend we were in Spain with him half awake without a Gods
notion where he is dos huevos estrellados senor Lord the cracked things come
into my head sometimes itd be great fun supposing he stayed with us why not
theres the room upstairs empty and Millys bed in the back room he could do
his writing and studies at the table in there for all the scribbling he does
at it and if he wants to read in bed in the morning like me as hes making
the breakfast for I he can make it for 2 Im sure Im not going to take in
lodgers off the street for him if he takes a gesabo of a house like this Id
love to have a long talk with an intelligent well-educated person Id have to
get a nice pair of red slippers like those Turks with the fez used to sell
or yellow and a nice semitransparent morning gown that I badly want or a
peachblossom dressing jacket like the one long ago in Walpoles only 8/6 or
18/6 Ill just give him one more chance Ill get up early in the morning Im
sick of Cohens old bed in any case I might go over to the markets to see all
the vegetables and cabbages and tomatoes and carrots and all kinds of
splendid fruits all coming in lovely and fresh who knows whod be the 1st man
Id meet theyre out looking for it in the morning Mamy Dillon used to say
they are and the night too that was her massgoing Id love a big juicy pear
now to melt in your mouth like when I used to be in the longing way then Ill
throw him up his eggs and tea in the moustachecup she gave him to make his
mouth bigger I suppose hed like my nice cream too I know what Ill do Ill go
about rather gay not too much singing a bit now and then mi fa pieti Masetto
then Ill start dressing myself to go out presto non son pill forte Ill put
on my best shift and drawers let him have a good eyeful out of that to make
his micky stand for him Ill let him know if thats what he wanted that his
wife is fucked yes and damn well fucked too up to my neck nearly not by him
5 or 6 times handrunning theres the mark of his spunk on the clean sheet I
wouldnt bother to even iron it out that ought to satisfy him if you dont
believe me feel my belly unless I made him stand there and put him into me
Ive a mind to tell him every scrap and make him do it in front of me serve
him right its all his own fault if I am an adulteress as the thing in the
gallery said O much about it if thats all the harm ever we did in this vale
of tears God knows its not much doesnt everybody only they hide it I suppose
thats what a woman is supposed to be there for or He wouldnt have made us
the way He did so attractive to men then if he wants to kiss my bottom Ill
drag open my drawers and bulge it right out in his face as large as life he
can stick his tongue 7 miles up my hole as hes there my brown part then Ill
tell him I want #1 or perhaps 30/- Ill tell him I want to buy underclothes
then if he gives me that well he wont be too bad I dont want to soak it all
out of him like other women do I could often have written out a fine cheque
for myself and write his name on it for a couple of pounds a few times he
forgot to lock it up besides he wont spend it Ill let him do it off on me
behind provided he doesnt smear all my good drawers O I suppose that cant be
helped Ill do the indifferent I or 2 questions Ill know by the answers when
hes like that he cant keep a thing back I know every turn in him Ill tighten
my bottom well and let out a few smutty words smellrump or lick my shit or
the first mad thing comes into my head then Ill suggest about yes O wait now
sonny my turn is coming Ill be quite gay and friendly over it O but I was
forgetting this bloody pest of a thing pfooh you wouldn't know which to
laugh or cry were such a mixture of plum and apple no Ill have to wear the
old things so much the better itll be more pointed hell never know whether
he did it nor not there thats good enough for you any old thing at all then
Ill wipe him off me just like a business his omission then Ill go out Ill
have him eyeing up at the ceiling where is she gone now make him want me
thats the only way a quarter after what an unearthly hour I suppose theyre
just getting up in China now combing out their pigtails for the day well
soon have the nuns ringing the angelus theyve nobody coming in to spoil
their sleep except an odd priest or two for his night office the alarmclock
next door at cockshout clattering the brains out of itself let me see if I
can dose off 1 2 3 4 5 what kind of flowers are those they invented like the
stars the wallpaper in Lombard street was much nicer the apron he gave me
was like that something only I only wore it twice better lower this lamp and
try again so as I can get up early Ill go to Lambes there beside Findlaters
and get them to send us some flowers to put about the place in case he
brings him home tomorrow today I mean no no Fridays an unlucky day first I
want to do the place up someway the dust grows in it I think while Im asleep
then we can have music and cigarettes I can accompany him first I must clean
the keys of the piano with milk whatll I wear shall I wear a white rose or
those fairy cakes in Liptons I love the smell of a rich big shop at 71/2d a
lb or the other ones with the cherries in them and the pinky sugar lid a
couple of lbs of course a nice plant for the middle of the table Id get that
cheaper in wait wheres this I saw them not long ago I love flowers Id love
to have the whole place swimming in roses God of heaven theres nothing like
nature the wild mountains then the sea and the waves rushing then the
beautiful country with fields of oats and wheat and all kinds of things and
all the fine cattle going about that would do your heart good to see rivers
and lakes and flowers all sorts of shapes and smells and colours springing
up even out of the ditches primroses and violets nature it is as for them
saying theres no God I wouldnt give a snap of my two fingers for all their
learning why dont they go and create something I often asked him atheists or
whatever they call themselves go and wash the cobbles off themselves first
then they go howling for the priest and they dying and why why because
theyre afraid of hell on account of their bad conscience ah yes I know them
well who was the first person in the universe before there was anybody that
made it all who ah that they dont know neither do I so there you are they
might as well try to stop the sun from rising tomorrow the sun shines for
you he said the day we were lying among the rhododendrons on Howth head in
the grey tweed suit and his straw hat the day I got him to propose to me yes
first I gave him the bit of seedcake out of my mouth and it was leapyear
like now yes 16 years ago my God after that long kiss I near lost my breath
yes he said was a flower of the mountain yes so we are flowers all a womans
body yes that was one true thing he said in his life and the sun shines for
you today yes that was why I liked him because I saw he understood or felt
what a woman is and I knew I could always get round him and I gave him all
the pleasure I could leading him on till he asked me to say yes and I
wouldnt answer first only looked out over the sea and the sky I was thinking
of so many things he didnt know of Mulvey and Mr Stanhope and Hester and
father and old captain Groves and the sailors playing all birds fly and I
say stoop and washing up dishes they called it on the pier and the sentry in
front of the governors house with the thing round his white helmet poor
devil half roasted and the Spanish girls laughing in their shawls and their
tall combs and the auctions in the morning the Greeks and the jews and the
Arabs and the devil knows who else from all the ends of Europe and Duke
street and the fowl market all clucking outside Larby Sharans and the poor
donkeys slipping half asleep and the vague fellows in the cloaks asleep in
the shade on the steps and the big wheels of the carts of the bulls and the
old castle thousands of years old yes and those handsome Moors all in white
and turbans like kings asking you to sit down in their little bit of a shop
and Ronda with the old windows of the posadas glancing eyes a lattice hid
for her lover to kiss the iron and the wineshops half open at night and the
castanets and the night we missed the boat at Algeciras the watchman going
about serene with his lamp and O that awful deepdown torrent O and the sea
the sea crimson sometimes like fire and the glorious sunsets and the
figtrees in the Alameda gardens yes and all the queer little streets and
pink and blue and yellow houses and the rosegardens and the jessamine and
geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar as a girl where I was a Flower of the
mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used
or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I
thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask
again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and
first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down Jo me so he could feel
my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said
yes I will Yes.
Trieste-Zэrich-Paris, 1914--1921
Обращений с начала месяца: 303, Last-modified: Sun, 21 Jan 2001 16:54:00 GMT